So this afternoon I went by my teammates blog, to check out a few inspirational videos that he recently posted. I may have seen these at one point, because they looked familiar, but today there was a deeper, more resounding effect. I’ve had it on replay for the past hour while I was at work. I had to take in the emotion of his voice, the full impact of every word used. The inflections, the pauses, mixed with every doubt I’ve ever had, and every dream or goal I’ve made, and failed at. Every time I allowed someone to dictate to me, what I wasn’t capable of. Everything the former me, didn’t even bother to attempt.
I used to think I had no regrets, but after turning 30, and making some changes, I saw what I could have been doing. So yes, I have plenty of regrets, and to be honest, they fuel me now. I’m driven more so now, than I have EVER been. I’m far more ambitious, I feel like I don’t have tomorrow to borrow against. I don’t have tomorrows to push things off on, there are no tomorrows to mortgage. Right or wrong I feel like I have more days behind me, than I do in front.
With this mindset, I don’t like wasting time. So I have so many different goals I’m trying to cram into my schedule, school, work, writing, motivating, advising, and Jiu Jitsu. With Jiu Jitsu specifically, I’ve seen what it’s given me. It’s opened doors for me, doors that I didn’t even think were possible. For the longest time I was looking for ways to work with kids. I had even signed up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, but it never worked out. Yet here I am, an assistant teacher for the kids Jiu Jitsu program.
Jiu Jitsu has given me a confidence in myself that I’ve NEVER known. I never believed that athletically, I was good enough to medal at anything. It’s given me some great, imperfect friends, who have enriched my life beyond words! With all this being said, with having acquired all these highly beneficial things in my life, I feel I have to pay the fare.
There’s a debt I have to pay back now, a fare of sorts. So even when I’m sore, and my body is begging for time away from the sport, I drag myself to Comp Training. I make an effort not to think about how hard training is going to be, how badly I may feel during, and focus on one task at a time. I don’t complain about anything Jeff has us do, I’m in debt to him and this sport. My big toes hurt when I walk, and jogging is like stepping on glass, but I jog anyway. Somedays my pointer fingers hurt just to bend them, yet I’m pushing to learn Spider Guard. I keep getting tapped by the same stupid submission while following my blue print, I get up and follow it again, again, and then again. I don’t want to train, but I know a teammate has a competition coming up, I have to go. I have to show up and punish him, mentally and physically, because I owe him that much. He did it for me, and I’m in debt to that man, as much as I am the sport itself.
I love the ride I’ve been on, so I gladly pay the fare..
“When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breath, THEN you’ll be successful!”
“Are you willing to pay the fair?”